When There's Nothing More To Say
When there’s nothing more to say
just run
it will be hard at first
you won’t like it
you might want to stop
and maybe you didn’t want to go in the first place
because it’s raining, or cold, or you’ve just had dinner
and of course a l—o—n—g day
and work was stressful and the kids need bathed and you really should tidy the house and there’s that other thing you meant to do and what about that show you were watching or that thing you wanted to read…
but don’t do any of that
just run
and when you do and you are moving
allow yourself to feel good
and keep moving
anyway
rain’s good
not because it washes things away
or refreshes you
or cleanses anything
it’s because it doesn’t give a fuck
rain makes you cold, and wet, and miserable
yet there’s comfort in that
rain doesn’t give a fuck
rain falls whether you like it or not
you are not that important
and it feels good to spend some time remembering you are not that important
not that clever
not that much of anything really
rain knows that
you don’t need to explain yourself to rain
the trick is to keep moving
you think
and if you think about work
dismiss it
you are not here to think about work
you are not here to think about anything
you are doing this precisely
to not think
the goal
is just to move
and keep moving
because it doesn’t need to be any more complex than that
eventually
things begin to clear
like watery skies
melting
to crystal dawns
and at some point it’s not hard anymore
and maybe you can’t remember exactly when it became easier but at some point it did and that’s all that matters so
stop thinking about it
and stop thinking about that essay you read today
the one about a man who remembered being a boy and swimming with his brother one baking blissful summer day when they played in the river and wrestled among the weeds and tried to see who could stay under the longest
and then the day sometime later when a car with a sleeping driver hit his brother so hard that he spun in the air like laundry and both his shoes came off
and his brother never got up
part of him was still on that riverbank, he wrote, waiting for his brother to surface
and when you read that
you couldn’t breathe
but you could run
run til you felt blood rising
run til you couldn’t feel anymore
run til your legs became something other
run into the place where the edges merge
where the world dulls and softens
until you are not thinking anymore
but just running
and it feels like
you might go on
forever
run towards the tunnel
where senses heighten
suddenly
the water tumbling in the burn
is also rushing through your ears
and the luminosity of green
from the moss in the cracks of the path
bursts through gravel
and the buds aching for life
are stretching
grasping at air and light
and it overwhelms you
until you are welling with tears as you run
and you can’t explain why
and even if you wanted to
you don’t know
if it’s joy
or pain
but you do know at least
you’re alive
so run
more
faster
drive
drive
just fucking drive
til you feel your blood rise
until you hear that song
from a distant time
until you feel that drifting strand of web stretching
from here back to there
that anchor
you’ve never found
anywhere else
so keep running
keep running
because the only thing you’re sure of
and the only thing you know
is if you keep running
it’ll get better
if only for a moment
but enough.